If Inzimam-ul-Haq were a music critic…
First of all, thanks to Almighty God, boys in many bands prayed well, and so the Islamic Republic music scene is recovering from pulled hamstrings because praying comes first and then playing but we tell girls not play, only pray, because girls belong in the kitchen making lunch for strong boys in bands during lunch break and also prepare spicy samosas for tea interval.

First of all thanks to colas and mobile phones connections boys like Atif Aslam and Strings do Pakistan ka naam and shaan roshan in Hindustan and inshahallah we’ll win the next World Cup. Thanks to Almighty God, I also enjoy A-Minor, B-Major C-Multan guitar sitar riff chords on Shahzad Roy boy’s new family album and I advise him that praying comes first so come with me to Raiwind because first of all thanks to Juniad Jamshed we are 16 trillion strong and inshallah will win the Olympics 20-20 hockey gold medal.

This is end of this week’s review and in the end I say those who say that our rock pop hip-hop boys don’t have spine, I say all our boys have spine, also arms, legs and groins and they are metaphysically fit to pray, then play, pray and play, thanks to Almighty God.s

If Ardesher Cowasjee were an art critic…
Sala sab buckwaas! This is the end, the end, my poor, wretched, illiterate, corrupt artists. No hope, no hope, sab chor robbing art collectors by making trash and selling it as art.

To quote Quaid-i-Azam, you are free to paint anything you want, temple, mosque, church or whatever, but these artist crooks with false teeth and false hair now only want to do paintings of peaches. Aam kay mausam main en koh naashpati yaad ata hai … in a season of mangoes, they are thinking of peaches!

As my old friend Saksena used to say about the artists of this failing Islamic Republic of Pakistan, Yeh artist log sab charriyah hai!

If Zakir Naik were a fashion critic…
Brothers and sisters and sisters and brothers. Recently a sister lady from the Kenya fashion scene asked me why I am always criticising the guru madam of Rux Style Awards, sister Afreeka Baltaf? Well, my Kenyan sister, you misunderstand me, as is written in third paragraph of chapter 6 of this month’s Vogue magazine, and ninth paragraph of last week’s Images, Vol: 4, older women wearing sleeveless are so passé!

This is fact and fact is all I am about brothers and sisters, sisters and brothers, because if you will yourself notice … yes notice … I repeat, notice … Notice why there is no Rux Style Awards this year? Notice my sister. Is it because of me? No. The word is NO. N & O. You are being mislead, brothers and sisters. Older women… short sleeves… No. N & O. Stay away from wine and swine, if you want to look good on catwalks my cat sisters, cat maani billie, billie meaning cat… notice, it is clear. Cat, billie, billie, cat. Makes perfect logic, no? God be praised.

If Shahid Masood were a film critic…
Tabsaray, tajzeeay, views, reviews, here I am again my film buffs, your very own friend, brother and angel, DOCTOR Shahid Masood (PhD, LLB, PTV), with yet another brilliant film review. Today I will be reviewing Jinaab, Javed Shaikh’s Khulay Asmaan Kay Neechay.

I am pleased to announce, dear friends, this is the film I was waiting for. A film that is a sure sign that the Day of Judgment is at hand. And it is also clear the plot and script of this apocalyptic love saga was written by the Americans.

I know this because I know, and would also like to share with you the information that the film was shot in the secretive American base in Area 51 in Jacobabad, with the help of Israeli cameramen and Indian dance instructors. But what disturbed me most was the American/ Zionist/ Indian/ Guatemalan hand in it. I recommend you go and watch this film too see what I mean. Till then, remember, I am now on PTV and Sherry Rehman hates me! So till then, take care, and also take care of your neighbours, and your neighbours’ neighbours, and your neighbours’ neighbours’ neighbours and…

If Imran Khan were a book critic …
This week I will be reviewing what is unfortunately one of my least favorite books, A Layman’s Guide to Democracy. First of all, the title of the book is too long.

As I sit here in my magnificent London apartment, it is apparent to me that the writer has no idea about the reality and hardships the Pakistani layman has to live through. We should be writing layman guides to the jirga system instead! But what do we do? We insult our Muslim brethren and sisteren in Waziristan and Swat with such nonsense. And that too in English!

All books should be written in Punjabi, I mean Pashto, I mean Urdu. No, not in Urdu. Urdu is only spoken in small fascist towns like Karachi. This guide is such a farce, meray khudaya, such a farce! As the great scholar, intellectual and gymnast, Qazi Solzhenitsyn, once wrote… no, sorry, he didn’t write, he spoke that… what did he speak? See! Ya meray khudaya this is what such books are supposed to do.

They make faithful Muslims like me forget about progressive laws and systems like flogging, hijab and jirga and start thinking about American, British, Greek and Christian ideas like democracy! And since I am a progressive Muslim, I will be burning this book along with the copies of Marx, Satanic Verses, Javed Miandad’s autobiography and anything on the Bhuttos. All of them were feudal. They should’ve been tribal.

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